My Not-So-Private Thoughts
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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in the "lonelypinkfairy" journal:[<< Previous 20 entries]
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02:22 pm
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I was trying to avoid this...
i.really.do.not.want.to.write.this. but i feel like i have to.
i am leaving tonight. yes, with a broken ankle and everything. i haven't had a chance to say goodbye to most of the people that i wanted to, so the whole situation sucks. i am (surprise, surprise) emo.
i don't want to go. not now, not like this, it just doesn't feel right. i keep telling myself that it will be ok, that i can make it through this, but i don't believe myself.
i will be checking my myspace/facebook/livejournal/email every few days or so, so please leave me love if you happen to think of me. also, while i won't have access to my cell phone, i can still check my voicemail, so leave me messages if you so desire (Christa: i am expecting a Travie message on the 21st).
i'm done with this now.
Current Location: Gabe Saporta's Basement
Current Mood:  sad
Current Music: Infinity On High - Fall Out Boy
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05:08 pm
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things and such
so i haven't been on lj in over 2 years. what brought me back you ask? Gabe Saporta and William Beckett and my need for awesome slash. i randomly googled william beckett slash and came up with a bunch of awesome communities on here which i decided to join. i probably won't be posting entries, but i will post comments on good stories i read, just cuz i appreciate the effort people put into their writing and want them to know that. so yeah, that pretty much covers it.
~Mel
Current Mood:  content
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12:55 pm
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crazy long update
Ok, so I haven’t updated my livejournal since Vern got fired from CKY, which was over a month ago, so I’m sure some of you have assumed that I have either fallen off the face of the earth, or just decided to stop doing my livejournal. If that is the case, your assumptions are incorrect. I have simply been too lazy to update, nothing more. I will now attempt to summarize the past month of my life.
First of all, I want to wish Kristen A VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I love and miss you so much. You deserve the bestest birthday in the whole world.
Next item of business: my tattoo. Yes, I got it. It ended up being $60 and Leila went with me when I got it on July 3rd, exactly a month ago. It didn’t hurt too bad, especially since it’s really simple and fairly small, but it hurt a lot after they put the bandage on. The four hours with the bandage were prly the worst part, cuz it just stung like crazy and I could see some of the blood through the bandage and I just wanted to see how it turned out. Anyway, it’s fully healed now and I totally love it. I couldn’t be happier with it and I’m so glad that I finally got my first tattoo. To see a picture of it, click here.
Work is still going well. Our store manager has been on vacation for 2 weeks now and she gets back today. We’ve also been doing markdowns for the past few days, which is taking way longer than it should. Part of it has to do with the fact that our air conditioner has been broken for the past 2 weeks. It’s usually like 74 degrees in our store, and right now it’s like 81. You wouldn’t think 7 degrees would make such a big difference, but it does. It’s been absolutely unbearable working there without air conditioning, and I’m really glad I don’t have to work today.
I start classes at Montgomery College on August 31. I’m taking Intro to Business, Intro to Management, Intro to Music Theory, and Audio Production. I’m actually kinda looking forward to it, to starting over at a new place and meeting new people and learning new things. And hopefully it’ll be the start of my journey to Berklee. I’m totally determined to get in to Berklee and major in Music for Business and become a manager. I know that I’m going to be so much happier doing that than I would be at Clark majoring in psych or English or comp sci.
While we’re on the subject, I want to thank all my friends for being so supportive of my decision to leave Clark and try to get into Berklee: Kristen, for not being mad at me for leaving her without a roommate; Rachel, for being so genuinely happy for me; Glendy, for telling me about her experience transferring to FIT; and Joel and Max for just listening to me talk and helping me think things through. I feel incredibly lucky to have such wonderful friends. I don’t know what I would do without you all.
Finally, onto my crazy obsessive stuff that most of you don’t really care too much about. CKY: they seem to be doing well without Vern. They did cancel the show I was planning on going to, which I’m still upset about, but in the past month, through discussions on the CKY msg boards, I’ve come to terms with Vern leaving us. Us being the fans, of course. Deron, Chad, and Jess are still working on the new CKY album, which may be out before the end of the year, and they say that it’s even better than IDR and that it will blow everyone away. Speaking of new albums, HIM is going to start recording sometime before the end of the year. They’re currently on a brief vacation, but Ville has already written 14 songs for the album so things already well underway. They’re looking for a new US label since BMG doesn’t seem to be doing a great job of promoting them here, and they’ve finally got the rights to use the name HIM in the US. A couple months ago a Finnish magazine printed an interview with Ville during which he said that after the next HIM album the band might break up. Of course all the HIM fans were freaking out and the msg boards were out of control, but a few weeks ago Ville did another interview with a different magazine and said he was just joking about the band breaking up, so we all got upset for nothing. Ville certainly knows how to get ppl talking though, that’s for sure.
So that’s pretty much it. My life for the past month. I hope I haven’t bored any of you, and if I have, that’s too bad. Also, I just want to remind all of you that the X Games start this Thursday, and they’ll be on ESPN and ABC at various times throughout the weekend. I will try to get back in the habit of updating more regularly now, but I won’t make any promises.
Melanie
Current Mood:  accomplished
Current Music: Incubus - Talk Shows on Mute
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09:12 pm
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Vern leaving/being fired from CKY
I know this seems really out of place for two main reasons. 1.) I still haven't updated about Berklee or my tattoo or anything directly relating to my life, even though I said I would do it on Monday. 2.) Perhaps I should post this on the CKY or Deron Miller or Bam Margera message boards. However, I don't feel like getting shredded just for posting my opinion in slightly rambling manner, which is what happens on all of those boards. All of this being said, I will now post my feelings regarding the Vern/CKY situation.
For a little background info, CKY was originally made up of Chad Ginsburg, Deron Miller, Jess Margera, and Ryan Bruni. When CKY began recording their first album, Volume 1, in 1999, they fired Ryan, who up until then had pretty much just been their live bass player. Deron and Chad recorded all the bass parts for Volume 1 and for most of 2000 Chad played bass at the live shows. Vern joined the band as a live bass player for the 2000 Warped Tour. It was meant to be a temporary situation, and the band planned on getting another bassist, one who could write and record music and contribute artistically to the band, once the tour was over. However, Vern stayed with them because they all got along well, although he was still not allowed to be part of the recording process for either Volume 2 or Infiltrate-Destroy-Rebuild, which he was always told would be the case from the day he joined the band. Within the past couple months, CKY has started recording their next album, without Vern's input, while Vern has been touring with another band called Wet Slit.
This past weekend Vern was supposed to join the rest of CKY for a couple of shows in the Midwest. However, Vern was not there and Chad had to play bass and he supposedly said something like "As you may have noticed, someone's missing. But the truth is, we don't miss him at all." This caused some concern on the CKY message boards, and a number of fans submitted questions regarding Vern’s whereabouts to the Ask CKY part of the official site. Supposedly at around 4 AM on Monday, Vern posted an answer to one of these questions and said something like "I am not in the band anymore. I never really was a real member of the band and now I guess they don't need me anymore." This was promptly taken down by the people who run the official CKY site, and only a handful of people actually saw this message. I was not one of them. Later that same day this was posted by one of the people who run the CKY site:
"Vern was let go due to personal and performance reasons. According to Vern himself, he's upbeat about the situation.
The band will continue playing the remainder of the scheduled shows with Chad on bass.
At some point, CKY will be looking for another bassist. Chad has said that when that time comes, he would like "Someone who has had more experience in the music industry, maybe from an already established band."
It is unknown if the the future replacement bassist will be a live player only (as vern was) or will contribute to CKY in the writing and recording process."
There was more speculation and anger and sadness on the CKY message boards until this afternoon, when Deron himself posted this:
"it is safe to assume that this is 100% the truth. i would have posted this on ASKCKY but the password is being changed and i cannot access the questions right now. it may have come as a shock to a lot of you that vern was let go of the band. the truth is, it was not a shock to us. as many of you know, a long time ago i posted that something needed to be changed about the band and eventually i would. it was letting vern go. there were a surplus of problems that led to this decision. the short of it was that vern was not growing. he was not holding up his end anymore...in fact he rarely did. initially he had joined the band on a temporary basis and was supposed to be replaced after the 2000 warped tour, but we kept him on because we liked him. as a friend, vern can be a great guy. i lived with him for 2 years and we had a lot of great times. as a member of the band, he wasnt contributing. musically, he wasnt asked to contribute and he joined on understanding that...i think eventually he couldnt handle that. but he has never written a song in his life. he was also having severe money issues with us...spending wrecklessly and wanting more. we gave him a zillion chances to earn some cash with us, but wasnt willing to follow through with any of them. he had no motivation whatsoever. i dont blame him, as i wouldnt have stayed in his situation myself. but if i were him, i would have found other creative outlets to spend my time on. he never did, until he went out with his other band on tour which i hear was not a great success. vern's heart may always be in the right place, but this kind of slacking is unacceptable for 4 years. we waited and waited for change but it did not happen. a final personal reason last week was the final straw and chad finally had to let him go. i have no idea what vern has been saying...i am sure he is upset and angry, but the truth is all here. CKY must go forward...we are working on the best record of our career and are extremely proud of the results so far. we had to cancel our july run to find a new bass player, and we wont settle for anyone but the best. thanks for reading, deron"
So far, we haven't gotten any more information on the situation.
When I first read Deron's post, I seriously couldn't breathe. I was like hyperventilating and then I started crying hysterically. I almost threw up. After about half an hour I started to calm down and tried to think rationally about the situation and form some kind of opinion about what happened. As of right now, this is how I feel:
Selfishly, I'm really upset that I never got to see CKY perform live with Vern. I will always regret this, especially since I was planning on seeing them in a few weeks, and perhaps if things had gone differently, I would have been able to see CKY as I've always known them. Now, even if the show I was planning on going to isn't cancelled (more on this a little later), it will not be a CKY show in the way that I've always imagined it. I know this is really selfish of me, but I'm just pissed at the timing of this whole thing.
As for the remainder of the concerts scheduled for July being cancelled, it seems as if this is true. The first post on the CKY site is the only place that says that shows are going on as scheduled but with Chad on bass. Every other place, including ticketmaster.com and the official sites of all the venues, say that shows have been cancelled and people can get refunds. I suppose I'm lucky that I was still just in planning stages of my trip to Lancaster, but it still sux that this is happening.
On to the reasons for Vern being fired, I believe almost all of what Deron said. Perhaps this is naive of me, but I don't see why Deron would go to the trouble of lying to all of us. He's honest enough to admit that if he had been in Vern's position he would have been just as frustrated, if not more frustrated, than Vern was, and so he acknowledges that the band hasn't exactly treated Vern the way they would like to be treated. Furthermore, as for the money thing, Vern's money problems have been brought up in the past, both on Ask CKY and in person after shows, so this clearly isn't something that Deron just made up.
Despite my initial desire to believe Deron's story, there are a few things I still don't understand. Only a few months ago Vern said that CKY was the best thing that ever happened to him and he wouldn't trade his experience with the band for anything in the world. If that was the case, and the main reason behind them firing Vern was because he was becoming too much of a slacker, then why would Vern let his slacking ruin this supposedly great experience he was having? It would seem to me that he would want to do everything possible to stay in the band. Furthermore, if Vern was only expected to play live, then in what aspect did the rest of the band aspect him to grow? I don’t really understand Deron’s argument here. Also, I don't like how Deron is making it seem like this was all Chad's decision. Deron and Jess had some say in the matter too, considering that they do account for 2/3 of the original band lineup, and if they had wanted Vern to stay, I bet things would have turned out differently. In this regard, I think that Deron is being an ass and not taking his fair share of the blame for Vern being fired.
The last topic of discussion is whether Vern was officially fired or if he just left. Deron says that he was fired and the official statement is that he was "let go". This would seem to indicate that Vern didn't want to leave the band. However, on the Wet Slit website he said that he heard that people were starting petitions to get him back in the band and that he didn't want that, that he no longer wanted to be part of the band. Perhaps he was just saying that to make himself look better, but I don't know. In any case, it would appear that the whole thing is a done deal and regardless of the reason surrounding Vern's leaving, we just have to accept the fact that he is no longer part of the band.
This evening has been very difficult for me, and I'm aware that most of the people who read my livejournal don't really like CKY and probably couldn't care less about the situation and think that I’m overreacting, but I don't care. Besides being a way to keep all of my friends informed about my life, this is also a way for me to vent and express myself. If you think this entire post was pointless, then you shouldn't have read it. I do feel slightly better now that I’ve gotten all of this typed out and in precise words, so I suppose that’s really all that matters.
Finally, I would just like to add that while CKY will go on and continue to make great, groundbreaking music, it will never be the same CKY I discovered in 10th grade, it will be a variation of it. I will miss Vern very much, how he would spit beer at the audience and the sticker he had custom made for his bass so that when he flipped it over it read fuCKYou and the way he would sing the line “They’ve deleted all the tourists at the bottom of the lake” during 96 Quite Bitter Beings. I wish both Vern and CKY the best of luck in the future, and will continue to be a fan of both of theirs for as long as they continue making good music.
Current Mood:  crushed
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10:15 pm
[Link] | So i suppose I should update now, since not only did I say I would update on monday and didn't, but also since i'm leaving for berklee tomorrow and won't be back or able to update again til sunday. I'm really excited to be going, and i'm also a little nervous, since this is sort of my first step to do what i really want to do in life.
I've decided that i'm not going back to Clark in the fall, and to be honest i'm prly not going back ever, but for now i'm just taking a leave of absence. So i'll still technically be a full time student at Clark, I just won't actually be taking classes there. In the meantime, I'm going to take some intro to business and music theory courses at Montgomery college during the fall while I apply to and wait to hear back from berklee and couple other schools. And then hopefully in January I will be off to start my education in business for music. I'm really excited about the whole thing, since this is something that i'm always wanted to do but been too scared to actually do it. My psychiatrist told me today that he's never seen me this happy about anything school related, so i guess that's a good sign.
On to other important business: my tattoo. My psychiatrist reasoned with me that if I just showed up at home with a fucking heart tattooed on my wrist, my parents were definitely going to kill me, but if i tried to talk to them about it beforehand, they might not kill me, or at least i would have some chance of living. So i've been discussing the situation with my parents for the past week or so, and i've told them that i kno they don't approve of the whole thing and never will, i just want to make sure i'll still have a home and they'll still talk to me once i get the tattoo. So they're thinking about the whole situation right now and before they leave for florida next wednesday they're going to tell me whether or not they'll disown me if i get the tattoo. And at that point, either everything will be kool and i'll get it, or it won't be kool and i'll have to decide whether i want to risk them disowning me or not. If they're seriously going to disown me, then i prly won't get the tattoo, just cuz it's so much trouble to deal with just for a little goddamn heart on my wrist. So hopefully they'll give me their semi-blessing and things will work out ok. We'll just have to wait and see tho.
Well I've got a whole load of laundry still to do and i need to pack, so I should go now. I will try to update either sunday or monday to let you all know how berklee went.
Melanie
P.S. yes, i did change my mood icons. they'll prly get on my nerves in a few weeks and i'll change them to something else, so just bare with me til then.
Current Mood: busy
Current Music: Billy Idol - White Wedding
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12:29 am
[Link] | I kno that on friday I said I would update yesterday, but things got a little crazy and I didn't have time to so I'm updating now.
First off, the Capital Pride Street Festival was really fun. I ended up going with Leila and we just walked around and looked at all the booths and tables and ate lunch and had a good time. She bought me this really pretty fairy ornament that I wanted but couldn't afford. She won't let me pay her back or anything, cuz that's how she is. I really wish I could've gone to the parade on saturday, but I couldn't cuz of work, but the street festival alone was good enough for my first pride. I'm really glad I went.
Speaking of work, that's why I couldn't update yesterday. I was supposed to have the day off, but my manager called at 2:30 and left a msg on my cell asking if I could be there at 6:30. I got the msg at like 5:30 and was just gonna pretend that I didn't get it, but my mom was being a pain the ass and the more I thought about it the more I realized that I could really use the money. So I called Joanne back at like 6:30 exactly and I was like "if u still need me, I can be there in an hour". Well Joanne did need me, and so I got dressed as fast as I could and rushed down there and made it there before 7:30. I got a solid 3 hrs in, which I kno may not seem like a big deal, esp with my shitty salary, but it's better than moping around the house with my mom yelling at me all evening. In any case, I'm working every day the rest of this week, all the way through saturday. I may also be working sunday, but I don't kno yet. Fortunately I get my first paycheck this Friday and that should keep me happy for a while.
Update on my tattoo. Once I get payed on Friday and my mom deposits the check in my account (my account is under her account so she has to do it) I'm gonna go down to Fatty's and make the down payment and set up an appointment to actually get the tattoo done. The down payment should only be like $10, since the tattoo itself is only $70, and I really wish I could make it tomorrow, but I seriously have NO money until I get payed. Anyway, as of now, the plan is for me to get my tattoo on June 30th, the day my parents leave to go to Florida for a week (so I'll have a whole week to heal before there's even a possibility of them seeing it), and I'm gonna try to make the appointment for like 6:30, since I have work til 5 and then I'm gonna have to pick up Leila at her house and somehow meet up with Sade. I'm really glad that Leila and Sade are gonna be there with me, cuz I kno I'm gonna cry like a baby and it'll be nice to have them there for support.
Ok, so now it's almost 1 AM and I have to be up in 8 hrs so I can go to the gym in the morning, so I'm gonna go to sleep now. I'll update again when necessary, prly by next monday at the latest, once I have a more solid idea of my tattoo situation.
Melanie
Current Mood:  exhausted
Current Music: Summer Overture from Requiem for a Dream
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05:47 pm
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weekly update
So Torrid is going well so far. They already have me working a full schedule, which is 25 hrs per week. I also made my first diva sale, which is a sale of over $200 to one particular customer. One of the managers is really kool. Her name is Kate and she's from Boston and since she lives near the cathedral i give her a ride home whenever we work together. My other manager, Joanne, is kinda scary. I don't kno her that well yet and she still kinda intimidates me. The other girls that work there all seem pretty kool and overall I'd say i'm pretty happy to be working there.
Otherwise there's not much else going on. Still going to the gym every morning, which is starting to get a lil old, but it's good for me so i'm gonna keep doing it.
After I get my first paycheck next friday i'm gonna call Fatty's to make an appointment for my tattoo. I'm getting really excited about it, although i've pretty much given up on hiding it from my parents. There's really no point in trying to cover it up since it's gonna be on my fucking wrist and all. I might be able to hide it for a few days, but eventually they're gonna see it.
This Sunday I'm going to the capitol pride street festival. It's my first pride ever and I'm really excited. I couldn't go last year cuz my parents were all in my business and didn't go the year before because i was still too scared. So this sunday is gonna be really exciting for me. I'll let you all kno how that goes on monday prly.
Now onto a HIM and CKY update. I'm trying to go see CKY in Lancaster, PA on July 23. The only problem is that I don't want to go alone and I can't find anyone to go with. If anyone wants to go with me let me kno, I'm planning on driving there and back the same night. On Monday HIM headlined the Metal Hammer Awards in London. They didn't win any of the awards they were nominated for as band, but Ville won the Golden God award for Best Rock Star. He and Gas then proceeded to stay out drinking til 9 the next morning. Makes me proud to be a HIM fan.
Alright, I have to go have dinner now. I will update again early next week, prly Monday to let everyone kno how pride fest went.
Melanie
P.S.
Happy birthday to Ryan Dunn!
Current Mood: calm
Current Music: Stone Temple Pilots - Interstate Love Song
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04:20 pm
[Link] | i do, in fact, rock:
Nightmare Before Christmas!
What movie Do you Belong in?(many different outcomes!)
brought to you by Quizilla
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02:00 pm
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my weird dream
I had the weirdest dream ever last night and i feel that i need to share it with everyone.
It started off with me, joel, and lia being front row at HFStival (which is weird enough in and of itself since not only was HFStival two weeks ago, but also joel and lia have never met and really have nothing in common). So the first band comes on, and they're some crappy band no one's ever heard of and they suck big hairy balls. Then ppl from HFS come on stage and they're like "the next band is a surprise guest who most of you probably don't know but you should". And the band turns out to be HIM. And of course I'm freaking out, and i turn to lia and i go "but they're supposed to be in europe now" and she goes, jokingly, "maybe they came just for you". So they get on stage and start their set, and i'm the only person in the entire crowd that knows any of the words (also weird, cuz i'm pretty sure lia knows the words to quite a few HIM songs by now). So Ville spends most of the set on the side of the stage that we're standing in front of, and he's singing to me and smiling at me and being really cute and sexy. And when they finish with their set, Ville jumps down from the stage and comes over to me and he's like "you look really familiar. have we met before?" And I tell him that I went to the Cambridge show with lia and I went to the DC show also and that I met him after both shows. And he's like "that's right. you're the girl who took a picture of my tattoo in DC". And I'm starting to get really psyched that remembers me. And I have a camera with me and I ask Ville if I can take a picture with him and he says yes. So Joel gets ready to take a picture of me and Ville, and right before he takes the picture, Ville reaches over and grabs my hand and kisses me on the cheek, so in the picture we're holding hands and Ville's kissing me. And at this point I actually start crying and I'm like "I'm sorry for being such a goob (yes, i said goob to Ville in my dream) but your music and your lyrics have meant so much to me and I feel like you and the rest of the band have given me so much and I'm just so happy to be able to share this moment with you." And Ville just hugs me until I calm the fuck down and then he's like "are you planning on staying for the rest of the show?" And for some reason joel, lia and i are staying in a hotel (also weird because we're in fucking DC and joel and i live in DC and we wouldn't need to stay in a goddamn hotel, but whatever) and we invite Ville to come back to the hotel and chill with us for a bit. So we decide to skip the rest of the show and the four of us go back to the hotel, and our room has a little sitting area/living room type thing and then the actual bedroom. So we're all in the little living room area chatting for a bit and then Ville's like "i'm really tired, can I go lay down for a bit?" And we're all like "yeah, of course, go ahead". So he goes into the bedroom and closes the door. And lia and i start freaking out as quietly as possible so Ville won't hear us, and we're both about to die from the excitement. And after a while lia's like "you should go in and check on him. ask him if he needs anything." So I knock on the bedroom door and Ville tells me to come in. And i ask him if he needs anything and he's like "no, i'm alright, but thank you for asking". So I turn around to leave and he's like "Sit down and stay for a while" and pats the part of the bed that he's not laying on. So i sit down and we start talking. And we're talking about life and love and about our childhoods and stuff and somehow I end up laying down next to him and we're facing each other, and Ville just casually has arm draped across me. And finally he's like "so i kno ur a big HIM fan, are their any questions you want to ask me about the band or the music?" So I proceed to ask him about the meanings of various songs and about what happened when Zoltan left and about the Sami the dog story and all sorts of other things (none of which i remember his answer to) and then suddenly I somehow know that in 10 seconds Ville will disappear from the bed and I'll never have a chance to ask him anything else ever again. And the two questions that I still haven't asked him at this point, because I don't want to offend him, are about his sexual orientation and what the deal is/was with Susanna and Jonna. And the ten seconds are ticking away, and I finally manage to ask him about Susanna and Jonna, and just as he starts to answer, he disappears. And then I woke up crying cuz I was so upset that I messed up my chance to ask the two most important questions, and then I realized it had all been a dream and got totally weirded out and couldn't go back to sleep.
So that was my dream. Perhaps you don't get the total effect of the weirdness without thinking about it from my perspective, which is that until about 5 mins after I woke up, I could have sworn on my life and Ville's life that the whole thing actually happened.
Alright, I gotta go shower now. As usual, I'll update again when something important happens.
Melanie
P.S.
Troy wasn't as bad as I expected, nor was it as good as it could have been. However, Orlando and Brad's sexiness more than made up for any flaws in the plot, so it really didn't matter to me.
Current Mood:  weird
Current Music: The Cure - Pictures of You
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05:54 pm
[Link] | Really quick update since i'm supposed to be getting dressed to go see Troy with Leila.
I got the job at Torrid. YAY! I start work on monday, and it should be fucking awesome.
In other news, I'm going to the Berklee College of Music the weekend of June 25 for a seminar on the business aspect of the music industry. Marketing, promotion, legal stuff. It should be really good and I'm totally psyched. Maybe it'll help me decide if I want to do that instead of wasting away at Clark. We'll have to wait and see tho.
My parents continue to be a pain in the ass. Despite the fact that I do have a job now, they still think that I should find something else to do in addition to that, since I'm only gonna be working like 30 hrs per week at best. Fuck them. Fuck them in their stupid asses.
Also, you should all watch a movie called Spun that came out in 2002. Britney Murphy and John Leguizamo are in it. It's about speed addicts and it's fucking amazing.
Ok, i really should go now. I hope everyone's having a great summer. Take care.
Melanie
Current Mood:  rushed
Current Music: HIM - The Heartless
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12:33 pm
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greetings from florida
hey everyone. i'm currently at a Panera in Florida eating lunch with my parents. they have free wireless internet here and i happened to bring my laptop with me so i thought i'd just check in and say hi to everyone. the new apartment down here is pretty cute. we're still waiting for a lot of the furniture to get here and we don't have cable or internet yet (hence my current panera situation). the beach is nice too, if ur into that stuff, which i'm not. i'm rockin the spf 50 right now.
anyway, my summer so far has been pretty boring. still don't have a job, waiting to hear back from my precious Torrid. i've been spending my days at the gym and just fucking around online. i'm thinking about learning finnish so i can communicate properly with HIM, but that's an expensive proposition for someone with no income, so that's kinda on hold now. I have various other little projects going on, like trying to put together a proper scrapbook with all of my wedding stuff i've been collecting for years.
ok, so my mom wants to go back to the apartment now so we can walk on the fucking goddamn beach as a family, so i gotta haul ass.
hope y'all enjoy the long weekend.
also, Leila, happy birthday!!!
Much love,
Melanie
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05:52 pm
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HIM site #2
I have just completed my second HIM website. Here it is: http://www.angelfire.com/rock3/himshow/index2.html. Check it out and let me know what you think.
Current Mood: content
Current Music: The Cure - Pictures of You
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03:22 am
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HIM concert #2
i just got back from my second HIM concert. it was even better than the first, which i didn't think was possible. however, i am exhausted and hungry and thirsty, so a full report with pictures will be put together sometime later this weekend.
Melanie
p.s.
after all the shit that went down the last two weeks of school and then what happened to me tonight, i do think that there is a god. at the very least, there is some higher power that tries to create a balance between the good and bad in peoples' lives and in the world in general. i don't mean to get all spiritual on y'all, but i'm just sharing my thoughts. i love you all.
Current Mood: exhausted
Current Music: HIM - Gone With The Sin (also known as the HIM lullaby)
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10:48 pm
[Link] | God, what a horrible week this has been. It seems like everyone I know's life is crashing down around them, and no one can do anything to stop it. I won't name name, especially since a lot of what's going on is really personal, but if you're one of my friends and you're reading this I just want you to know that I love you all, although that might not seem to count for much right now.
As for me, my parents found out about the classes I dropped. It's a long story, I don't want to tell it, but my dad is now pretending like everything is fine and my mom won't even speak to me. The car ride hom on Wednesday is going to be unbearable. I don't have any solid plans for the summer yet, and I'm actually pretty scared to be home with my parents.
I just wish everything would be better. For me and my friends and everyone. I just feel like nothing is going well right now. I could say a lot more, but i don't want to scare or bother people, so I'm just gonna go cry now.
Melanie
Current Mood: sad
Current Music: Coldplay - The Scientist
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02:20 pm
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HIM concert
The HIM show was amazing. I've been talking about it since the minute I got back, and I don't feel like typing the entire story again. For this reason, I created a website solely dedicated to my HIM concert experience. Check it out: http://www.angelfire.com/rock3/himshow/index.html
In other news, my parents continue to hate me and be a huge pain in the ass. First they say that they don't want me to be at home during the summer, then they do want me to be home, then they don't. I don't even care anymore. Just tell me where to live and where I'm supposed to work and I'll do it. As for them hating me even more when they find out about the classes that I dropped, Leila brought up a good point the last time I talked to her, which is that my parents might initially say and do some crazy shit when I tell them about what happened, but it's not gonna be that serious. Here's why: My parents aren't really going to kick me out of the house. They may do it for a day or so, but my mom's joy in life is controlling me and telling me what to do. If my parents kick me out, she can't do that anymore. So they may kick me out for a bit, but eventually my mom has to find a way to control me again, and the easiest way to do that is to have me in the same house as her. Also, my parents aren't going to stop paying for school because that would be too embarrassing for them. When they're having dinner with their friends, and their friends are like "So how's Melanie doing?" my parents aren't going to say "Well, we don't really know because we stopped paying her tuition and stopped talking to her and we have no idea what she's doing with her life." My parents, especially my mom, just wouldn't be able to deal with that. So, again, they may at first be like "We never want to see or talk to you again and you're a horrible person," but in the end things will work out. Props to Leila for thinking of this.
Anyway, I'm pretty hungry, I haven't eaten anything all day, so I think I'm gonna head to the bistro to get something to eat. Hope y'all are doing well.
Melanie
Current Mood: content
Current Music: Broken by Seether featuring Amy Lee of Evanescence
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06:28 pm
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quick update
really quick update cuz i'm supposed to be going to dinner w/Lia in 5 mins and i still need to get dressed.
my classes for next fall are: English Poetry, Intro to Graphic Design, Astronomy, and Discrete Math. i won't kno about housing stuff til late tomorrow night. it's a long story, i don't want to talk about it.
now for something kinda kool
You are Form 9, Vampire: The Undying.
"And The Vampire was all that remained on
the blood drowned creation. She attempted to
regrow life from the dead. But as she was
about to give the breath of life, she was
consumed in the flame of The Phoenix and the
cycle began again."
Some examples of the Vampire Form are Hades (Greek)
and Isis (Egyptian).
The Vampire is associated with the concept of
death, the number 9, and the element of fire.
Her sign is the eclipsed moon.
As a member of Form 9, you are a very realistic
individual. You may be a little idealistic,
but you are very grounded and down to earth.
You realize that not everything lasts, but you
savor every minute of the good times. While
you may sometimes find yourself lonely, you
have strong ties with people that will never be
broken. Vampires are the best friends to have
because they are sensible.
Which Mythological Form Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Current Mood: rushed
Current Music: the new sarah mclaughlan joint, Stupid
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01:31 pm
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long overdue update
Ok, I kno it's kinda early in the day for me to be updating, but someone (who shall remain nameless) has been on my case to update for days now. I figured since i'm just chillin right now, it was as good a time as any to get this out of the way.
I guess I'll address some serious things first. I did end up dropping two of my classes for this semester, which means i'm currently only taking two classes. I kno that seems really lazy and shitty of me, but i didn't really have much of an option because of the month of classes i missed while i was really depressed. I feel like i'm ok with the situation now, but i still haven't told my parents, and i'm really worried that they're gonna kill me when i tell them. There's a possibility that they'll kick me out of the house and refuse to pay for next year's tuition and take my car away and never talk to me ever again. I kno it sounds kinda pessimistic of me to think that way, but it is a possibility and i need to be ready for that. As for next school year, we get to sign up for our housing stuff tonight at 6:30, and I'm registering for classes on wednesday. Obviously I'm hoping to live where we wanna live and get the classes i wanna get, but i'll update again later this week to let y'all kno how it goes.
This past weekend was the weekend that my whole family went to DC and I was stuck here in Worcester. The whole weekend I just kept wishing I was in DC w/them, and then they all called me on thursday night after they had had dinner and they all said hi to me and i really just wanted to go home and be w/them. This morning my dad sent me pictures that they all took together this weekend, and it made me really sad that i wasn't there. I just wish i felt like i belonged somewhere. I mean, I don't belong here at Clark, cuz i don't really like it here and i only have a handful of friends, and now I don't belong in DC anymore either. And my parents might kick me out of the house, and then i really wouldn't belong anywhere. I guess this is just a really difficult time for me, trying to figure out what i want to do with my life and trying to come to terms with what i thought i'd be doing with my life at this point as opposed to what i'm really doing now, and what i want to do with my life as opposed to the reality of what i'm prly going to do with my life. I feel like I used to have all these hopes and dreams and aspirations, and now I have to find a way to deal with the reality that none of that is really working out. And on top of that, i don't have a place where i feel like i can go and be safe and loved. I know i'm coming across as really depressed, which i shouldn't be because i'm on anti-depressants now, but when i turn off the loud music and trashy fox reality shows and lie down at night, this is what i think about, and this is what i feel. I'm sorry if it seems really negative, but i really just need to get this out.
Now for some good and really exciting news. If you've been checking out my AIM profile, you know by now that i'm going to see HIM in boston this coming Sunday. I ended up finding tickets of ticketmaster, which were sold out the first time i tried to get tickets a few weeks ago, for only $15 each, and i had to get them. I'm going w/my friend Lia, the same Lia that got me the HIM shirt over christmas break, and I'm just really excited. I mean, as far as i'm concerned, Ville Valo (the lead singer of HIM, in case u haven't been paying attention) is the most perfect human being ever, and not only am i gonna be in the same room as him, but i'm going to hear him sing, and i plan to be in the front row. I've been watching some old HIM videos lately and I just can't believe how lucky I am to be going to see them on their first American tour, and i also think that I may have a heart attack when I see Ville. It's a serious possibility, but I figure that if i have a choice between my parents killing me when they find out about the classes i dropped or dying at the HIM show, in the presence of Ville, i'll take the latter. So, just for the record, if i do die at the HIM show, I'd really like if someone could invite them to my funeral, cuz it would mean a lot to me that they be there. I kno it would prly upset my family, but it would be my last dying wish that if I dyed because of them that they at least show up to my funeral. I kno this is kinda morbid and creepy, so I'm gonna stop now. In other concert news, HFS has started announcing the lineup for this year's HFStival. They're announcing three bands every morning this week. So far they've only announced the first three bands (cuz it's monday) and the only good one is Papa Roach. I'll prly wait til they announce at least 2 more ppl that i like before i start making phone calls to see if any of my friends from home wanna go this year. I'm hoping that this year HFS will redeem themselves for the horrible lineups that they've had for the past 2 years, but i'm not betting on it.
I've gotten IMs and emails from some of u asking about my mystery guy i was gushing about in my last post, so I guess I'll keep u guys up to date on him. We're still talking every day, and i really look forward to waking up in the morning and seeing an IM from him, or coming back from dinner and seeing that he's done with school for the day. Some things are still awkward cuz we're technically still just friends, and sometimes he says or does things and i'm just like "what the hell is wrong with you? why would u do that?" but usually if i give myself a few minutes i calm down and it's not a big deal. I kno i didn't make this clear in my last post, but he's from MD, like 15 mins away from where I live (or used to live, or whatever) so i'll actually see him and meet him when I go home in about a month. We're waiting til then to see how things go and see how we get along in person. For now, I'm pretty happy with the way things are going and i still genuinely like just talking to him. We both have webcams now (no, it's not kinky shit, trust me) and we both have mics, so we technically see and talk to each other quite often. Sometimes he lets me listen while he plays guitar, and one night i mentioned this michelle branch song that i love and he asked me to send him the song and i did and like 5 mins later he was playing it for me. So overall i'd say i'm really happy that we're friends at the very least, and hopefully things will work out when we meet.
Alright, I've been typing for like an hour and i need to go shower and put myself together now. I'll try to update again, really quickly, on wednesday after i've registered for next semester's classes and let y'all kno about that and housing stuff and maybe HFStival as well. I hope y'all have a great week and take care.
Melanie
Current Mood: sleepy
Current Music: The Butchies - Sex (I'm a Lesbian)
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10:00 pm
[Link] | Due to popular demand, I am updating my livejournal now.
School is going pretty well. I'm almost all caught up in all of my classes, and I have midterms on Thursday and Friday. I expect all of that to continue to go well.
I've started looking for apartments in the DC area for this summer and maybe next fall as well. It's kinda difficult to search for apartments when you're not even entirely sure what your price range is, but I've been looking around anyway. I could technically stay at home with parents during the summer if I had to/wanted to, but at this point I'd rather not. I'll let y'all know when I make any sort of progress in this area.
As for my living arrangements at Clark for next year, regardless of whether I come back in the fall or in the spring, I made my decision and housing deposit last week. I'm going to be living in a suite with Rachel, Maria, and Chandra and I'm really psyched. Hopefully Rachel and Maria will share a double and Chandra and I will each have a single. To be honest, I almost want to come back in the fall just so I can live with them and have a great time, cuz I know we will. I'm just so excited for us to have a suite, not just a room, that's really ours and we can decorate it however we want and do whatever want in there without having to worry about other people that we don't like bitching at us or getting in our way. It's going to be fabulous, really.
I'm currently trying to make a bunch of travel plans for April. I want to go see Gavin DeGraw in NYC, but the dates on his site keep changing and neither ticketmaster.com nor pollstar.com have been helpful, so I haven't been able to make any solid plans. There's also a few HIM shows coming up, one in NYC, one in Boston, and one in Philly, and I'd really love to go to any one of those. The only problem is that tix are already sold out so now I have to get them on Ebay for a ridiculous amount of money and then factor in the cost of transportation and at this point it seems almost impossible for me to go to any of the HIM shows. However I haven't completely given up on Gavin or HIM yet, hopefully something will work out. I'm also trying to go to DC the weekend of April 8 cuz my sister and her husband and kids are coming down from Toronto and my cousin and his wife and kid are coming down from New Jersey and I really want to see them all. My mom seems pretty against it for some reason, maybe cuz she's a psycho bitch, but it might not be that expensive if I take the bus down, and I may be able to pay for the trip myself, in which case my mom would just have to suck it up. Again, I'll keep you up date with any changes in my travel plans.
As some of you may know, I'm signed up for this online dating/friends thing called okcupid. A lot of sketchy people email me all the time, I've gotten messages from people in Alabama who I have NOTHING in common with and creepy 35-year-olds who think they're all punk and hardcore and want to "get to know me better". To be honest, I only signed up for the stupid thing to take some silly quiz that Sade recommended, and I usually ignore most of the emails I get from okcupid. But the other day I got a message from this guy who seemed pretty kool, so I checked out his profile and it turns out that we get along really well. He plays jazz guitar (how amazing is that?) and we both dislike emo and love LotR. Not that we're exactly the same either, he likes Bjork and Radiohead and all that crazy artsy-feely music that I usually try to avoid. It's all good tho, he's funny and interesting and easy to talk to and we've been IMing each other for a while now. In any case, he's by far the koolest guy I've met in a long time, so I'm really excited about the whole situation. He's prly gonna read this and think I'm a huge dork, but he's kool enough to not care about my dorkness too much.
Well, I guess that's pretty much all for now. I'll prly update again in about a week or so unless something unusual and noteworthy happens. Later.
Melanie
Current Mood: content
Current Music: Speed of Pain by Marilyn Manson
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09:45 pm
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back from break
Alright, I'm back at Clark now, I got back last night, and there's a lot to catch up on.
First, I should go ahead and tell you what happened with my parents when I told them about my plans for next year. Not surprisingly, they were pretty pissed and disappointed. My dad tried to kick me out of the house, but my mom wouldn't let him. The next day my mom sent me to see her former psychiatrist, who concluded that perhaps I want to take time off from school because I feel so pessimistic about everything, and that may be because I'm depressed, so he prescribed me some anti-depressants that I'm currently taking. It's not as bad as one might think, and hopefully things will work out. We (me, my parents, and my mom's psychiatrist) all agreed that I would take the medicine til the end of the school, and if at that point I still want to take a semester off, then I will. My parents aren't really happy about this, but there's not much they can do about it. At this point it seems that if I do decide to take a semester off, I'll get an apartment someplace in DC and a job and I'll just be chillin in DC til January. Right now I'm kinda leaning toward staying at Clark, but that changes almost daily.
Otherwise my break was fine, although it was too short. Rachel came to visit me and we had a great time, she met Joel and Max and we went shopping and did a quick drive around the monuments (I got lost after about 15 mins.). We saw Starsky and Hutch, which was cute, and The Passion of the Christ. It was very intense, but also very moving and thought-provoking and I'm glad that I saw it. I'm still thinking about it and I'd probably be willing to see it again, as difficult as it was to watch it the first time.
Today was fairly normal, although slightly stressful. I've been busy making-up work that was due before break, and I have midterms next week. The highlight of my day was that my friend Lia gave me a fabulous HIM shirt that she got me over break, and I'm trying to do laundry tonight so I can wear it tomorrow. Speaking of which, I'll probably be spending all of my day in the computer lab doing Comp Sci work tomorrow, but it needs to get done and the sooner the better.
I just want to take a moment to wish AJ a happy birthday, even though he never reads my livejournal and I already talked to him today.
Alright, I have a bunch of other things I should be doing right now, so I'm gonna go. I hope everyone is doing well.
Melanie
Current Mood:  optimistic
Current Music: NSYNC's first European album
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05:10 pm
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catchin up, again
Again, I have let an unbelievable amount of time pass without making a real update, so now I get to do a big weekly review type thing.
For those of you who don't know, I'm currently on spring break, which means I'm back in DC right now. Actually, right now at my bro's house in VA, but whatever. I'll be here til tomorrow (Monday) just chillin and babysittin, and I'll be in DC til next Sunday. Rachel's coming to visit on Wednesday and she'll be here til Sunday as well, and then we're gonna fly back to Clark together. It should be fun.
Last week was kinda crazy, a lot of drama at school. I won't go into details about it all because in most cases it's either embarrassing to me or disrespectful to the other people it involves, but suffice to say that I was quite happy to leave on Friday.
That takes care of the past and the present, so now we move on to the future. I have decided to leave of absence from Clark for the fall semester, which means that I'll still be a Clark student, I just won't be taking classes there or living there, and when I go back in the spring I won't have to re-aply or anything, I'll automatically be a sophomore and I'll be guaranteed housing and everything. The reason for this is that I'm just not very happy at Clark right now, nor do I think I'd be happy anywhere else, simply because I'm tired of always feeling pressured to do well in school and yet always barely passing my classes. I have talked with a guidance counselor and the assistant dean of students at Clark, and they both think it would be a waste of my time and my parents money if I went back to school in the fall, and that it would be to my benefit to take some time off, some time for myself, and then in the spring I'd be ready to really be a college student. Now I know you're all wondering what I'd do with my semester off, and the simplest thing to do would be to come back to DC and live with my parents and get a full time job. My other option is to live with my brother and his family, which they have no problem with, and, again, I'd get a full time job. The only problem is that I haven't told my parents yet, I plan to tell them either Monday or Tuesday night, depending on the vibe I'm getting from them on Monday. I know they're gonna be disappointed, and their first reaction is gonna be to say no, but I'm hoping that once I explain the situation they'll see that I'm being really rational about this. Best case scenario: they agree to let me take a semester off, they let me live wherever I want (either with them or with my brother), they let me keep my car, and they're willing to pay all of my tuition when I go back to Clark in the spring. Worst case scenario: they say that no, that I have to go back in the fall or they won't pay my tuition, which is stupid, cuz forcing me to go to school when I've already decided I want to take a semester off is just a bad idea. I'd probably go ahead and take the semester off, they'd sell my car, I'd come stay with my brother, and I'd have to find a job I can get to without a car so I can pay for school in the spring. It would really, really suck, but I just know that I can't go back to Clark in the fall, even after summer break I know that I won't be ready for it. I just really hope my parents will be as understanding about the situation as they can be.
Well, I'm supposed to be watching my niece and nephew, who are playing video games in the basement, so I'm gonna go now. I'll let you all know how it goes with my parents. Take care.
Melanie
Current Mood: restless
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